Our Fighter Boy

the first feeling of fear

went to see Izhar this evening. we were looking forward to holding him if he was awake, and at most parts looking forward to just seeing him. upon arrival, the standard procedure was to wash your hands before touching the babies at NICU.

after washing my hands, i noticed that there was something poking out from his face. the thing that came to mind was, “C-pap?” we were informed on the first day of seeing him that the nurses and doctors will hook him up with whatever’s necessary should there be any changes in his O2 saturation. the only thing is that they will not call unless it was necessary. even then, that c-pap on his face plus his O2 level going on the border of 80% was enough to make me frown.

it so happened that the german doctor, Dr Colette was on duty. it seemed like the lowering of the O2 level only started around/after lunchtime, and it was after much monitoring that she decided to put him on the C-Pap. even then, i’m still relieved to hear that he is still on room oxygen level and all the machine’s doing is to just add in a little pressure to push the O2 into his lungs.

they got the cardiologists to do a scan - came back with nothing abnormal except that the duct that’s helping him with the mixing of the oxygenated and deoxygenated blood has actually increased slightly in size - from about 3mm-5mm (which we are both excited about, and one that Azhar’s been praying for. alhamdullilah his prayers have been heard). his blood tests came back ok, except that he had a high count on his platelets - 800k (whereas normal platelet count is 100k - 300k) which may be a result of an infection. on the other hand, Dr Colette told us that its not something to worry of yet as the rest of the blood readings were normal; and that should there be an infection, the rest of the readings would also go up. he was also pooing and peeing fine, as well as feeding fine too.

thus far, she herself couldn’t really figure out why - his O2 level went down and his heart rate level went up (to as high as 200bpm when we were there) when all his readings were fine… it was later that Azhar and i concluded that it maybe because he was upset as he thought that no one was coming by to see him. my dad didn’t pop by that afternoon and we were only able to come by at almost 730pm…

why that may be the reason was because - as it was already pass visiting hrs (abt 830pm?), as i was massaging his back, i was already thinking that, “ok… i think we should go back soon” after which, this boy started crying. after i comforted him and he calmed down, again i had the same thought and yet again he started crying, bringing down his O2 level and bringing up his heart rate. same thing happened for the 3rd time until i promised him that i’ll get his grandfather to come by everyday to see him. and i think he was also hungry and wanting his milk….

sigh. this incident literally stopped my heart and… we have yet to face bigger challenges. oh well. i’m just praying that he will be off the c-pap soon and that he is doing better. i was telling Azhar that well, this is just one of those things that we have to prepare ourselves for - the unexpected. just when you think all is fine, something out of the blue just hits you in the face. i just pray that when that time comes, we’ll both be able to handle things the best way we can.

as much as i know and have been trying to prepare myself mentally for this, both azhar and i couldn’t help but just fight back the tears of fear. but we know our special boy us a little miracle on his own, thus, we just have to keep on fighting along with him.

sigh.

i miss my fighter boy.

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